Dear Diary
by Darla Kane
Summary: What might Cordy think and say when she wakes up? (post-Home)


title: "Dear Diary"  
  
author: Darla Kane  
  
e-mail: DarlaB@gmx.de  
  
distribution: AA&F, NF & AI... and anyone else who wants it. Just drop me a note.  
  
rating: G  
  
category: post season 4  
  
summary: What might Cordy think and say when she wakes up?  
  
spoilers: season 4  
  
disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.  
  
feedback: PLEEEAASEEEEE! Do I have to beg? Believe me, I will... *g*  
  
Dedication: Kiddo, this is for you. Sorry I couldn't write a diary entry in that other story of mine. Hope you'll like this one.  
  
A/N: I was kinda surprised when I saw "Sacrifice" last week and realized how heartless Angel seemed. So this plus the announcement that CC won't be on the show anymore led to this story... Don't blame me. *g*  
  
Oct. 22, 2003  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Hey, it's me. Unbelievable, huh? I've just realized that my last entry is from over a year ago. Guess I was kinda busy with being up there in Floatyville, spending time with my evil self and ending up in a coma. What a fun year it's been...  
  
Anyhow, now I'm back and at my old place. It's a good thing Dennis scared all potential occupants away. I knew I could always count on him.  
  
I've also payed the Hyperion a visit. But nothing's really left there... just deafening silence and memories of better days. Those days seem so long ago that I'm starting to ask myself if they've ever been real. But to be honest, today isn't much more real, either. Everything seems pretty weird since I've woken up this morning.  
  
I realized immediately that I wasn't at the hotel. It rather looked like some sort of hospital. I gotta say I started to worry when I noticed the name tags of those good-looking male nurses had the W&H logo on them. Well... suddenly they didn't seem *that* good-looking anymore.  
  
It surprised me that they immediately obeyed when I asked about Angel and demanded to see him right away.  
  
They took me to a large office on the third floor and I was stunned when that W&H employee addressed the man inside as "Mr.Angel". No way Angel could be in here. I mean, we're talking about Wolfram & Hart, right? So it took me a moment to register that it was really him. He was dressed in a dark suit, wore a tie and sat at a big wooden desk - bathed in sunlight! All of this wasn't what I'd imagined to see when I woke up.  
  
For a brief second our eyes met and I thought I'd recognized the friend I knew in them. But it could as well have just been my imagination because when he said, "You're awake," his eyes were void of any emotion and so was his voice. It was scary. I'd never seen him like this - not even when Connor was taken away from him. Back then he'd been devastated... But now? It seemed like he didn't feel anything.  
  
When he nodded to that W&H guy telling him to leave, I slowly went closer.  
  
"What happened to you?" I asked but he didn't even look at me. "What's this all about, Angel? You're working with Wolfram & Hart now? This can't be right."  
  
His only reply was, "I did what I had to do."  
  
Joining forces with an evil law firm? That was hard to believe and I was wondering how much I had really missed the past few weeks.  
  
"But why? Or are you gonna try to explain to me in which way this can be right?"  
  
He continued in the same business-like tone, "It's not always about right or wrong, Cordelia. Sometimes there's no choice. You should know that."  
  
It felt like an accusation. Maybe it was one. I was no longer able to read him.  
  
"There's always a choice. Sometimes you just don't make the right one."  
  
I'd learned that the hard way when I thought I had to go with Skip and only found out later that I shouldn't have.  
  
We were both standing near the windows now, looking outside.  
  
"It's always the right choice if you do it to save your family."  
  
For the first time I thought his facade was cracking when he said this but it wasn't. He went back to his desk and I sadly realized I wouldn't get through to him.  
  
"Maybe it'd be best if you just leave now."  
  
I gotta admit, I didn't expect that.  
  
"I don't even know who you are anymore, Angel. This isn't you. And I'm not gonna watch how you let yourself be corrupted by Wolfram & Hart more and more each day."  
  
I don't know if he listened because he gave no sign that he had. So I went to the door but couldn't leave without turning around one last time.  
  
"I'm sorry I wasn't here to prevent all this. I wish I had been... I told you there's always a choice. I hope you'll see that this can't be the right one - no matter how much you want it to be. Goodbye, Angel."  
  
And with that I'd just left. Well, "just" might not be the appropriate word. It was hard to leave him behind like that. Because this wasn't about a champion that might be lost to the Powers. It wasn't about some love that was probably never meant to be. This was about *my* best friend that *I* had to walk away from. And that was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my whole life. But I also know I'm not the one right now that can make him see that he's on the wrong path. This is something he has to realize all by himself first. And I know he will... and when he does, he'll know I'll be there...  
  
Good night, dear Diary. Love, Cordelia 


End file.
